urban hermit

Drop the Shop

2008-10-19T22:28:00.002Z

A fascinating article by a woman who gave up shopping for a year in the Guardian. As a recent trip to Glasgow left me £85 poorer pehaps I should take a leaf out of her book. But the quilt will keep me warm ! The mahjong bracelet will... be handy if I'm ever stuck without 10 mahjong pieces and need a quick game and the magazines were research ... honest!

6 formidable women in stamps

2008-10-14T09:30:00.003Z

Delighted to read that the post office is going to celebreate the achievements of women in a series of stamps today. I must go and get some soon. More info at the Guardian.

megan's pictures of wall st

2008-10-11T19:57:00.002Z

An aquaintance of mine who lives in NY rushed out and got photos of the protests which apparently occuring around Wall St. Weird to have descriptions of this going on as I can remember walking past that bull when I was in NY a few years ago.

tea leaf reading

2008-10-05T17:25:00.000Z

Reading No. 24
Our plans miscarry because they have no aim.When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. ~ Seneca
It's one thing to let the wind take you where it may, to "go with the flow," to be a rootless leaf at the mercy of the breeze.
It's quite another to make a plan and stick to it.
Believe in yourself enough to trust that you can make a decision and carry it through.
And once you make a decision, believe that it's the right one and proceed on that basis, at least until something convinces you that you need to change your path.
Aim for your harbor.

You can get your own virtual reading here.

stuff

2008-10-04T18:33:00.001Z

Interesting article on Manet's model being unconsined from the dustbin of history and City of Ghosts - Jews visiting Berlin.

2007-08-08T23:47:00.001Z

I want to write something which would be a solace. I got a message on my answerphone last night from a friend. She didn't say anything but I could hear her grief.
Grief - its so real. On Sunday I sat on a bus and wept as a wave of sadness bore down on me as I realised I would probably never see my grandmother again before she dies.
Meanwhile I sit in a hot and fetid office. Struggling and struggling to work out why my invoice and their invoice have such different figures. People wander in and out asking for things of other people in the office, phones ring and ring, anxious thoughts about x & y & z & b and why they haven't called back yet. A co-worker interrogates me about a database, who she asks will update it, when will it be updated. It takes all my energy to restrain myself from picking up the mobile phone box which lurks under my desk (I am to use the devil's instrument in my job in a time to be specified later) and throwing it at her while yelling I don't give a fuck. My train of thought as I try and understand where the discrepancy lies is broken. I later try and persuade her to leave the office at lunchtime. Oh the joy of being in the office alone!
Then I sit outside in a garden with a friend and a glass of wine and a man and two dogs walk past. The one wants a ball to be thrown and my friend obliges. I move awkwardly and spill the glass of wine. The other smaller dog - firmly on a lead (because she runs away) licks the wine off the grass.
Anyway in between the sheer aggravations of everyday office life I keep on getting secret and not so secret messages about what is real and important. And believe me baby it ain't filemaker databases.

tantrum

2006-12-11T18:35:00.000Z

I've been very good this year - positively looking on the silver linings despite it generally being a very hard year to survive. Financially speaking things have been hideous and my entire 11 1/2 months seem to be entirely spent just keeping the directors of the Bank of Scotland in gee gaws.

My phone stopped working, I got a telephone engineer out who said that I needed a new phone. So I went to John Lewis and paid out £50 yes £50 bloody pounds for a new phone. I charged it for 24 hours and the fecking thing is not compatible with my phone line. Thats right the line does not fecking fit. Despite all the assurances of the man at John Lewis. Serves me right for believing him.

I stomped up and down this afternoon at the beach. The sky as black as my mood and the sea as green as the bile with win me. I've had enough.

No more.

I'm going to shut the door this christmas and not emerge until January. This fucking phone malarky is a sign.

2006-11-07T23:54:00.000Z

sunshine, swimming pools and servants.... this is what white people happily consumed feeding off Apartheide.

Evening class suddenly at the end our conversation turns to our pasts. We come from all over, new jersey, zambia, are we outing ourselves as not from this place?

New Career

2006-09-04T20:39:00.000Z

Apparently I'm a Mossad Agent and so is my friend K. I've obviously been such a long time sleeper I've forgotten when I was recruited. I seem to have missed the induction week but I'm hoping for a bit of international travel in the next few months (work is a bit quiet) and my dad was really thrilled to discover that I've managed to get a career with a pension!

2006-05-20T13:56:00.000Z

And did you get what
You wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved to feel myself
Beloved on the earth.

Raymond Carver

Quoted in an email on a list I'm on - for some reason this just made me feel unbearably sad.

2006-05-17T17:32:00.000Z

I went to a seminar about documentary film finance and the man asked people how they described themselves when asked what they were. Apparently if we weren't prepared to call ourselves 'documentary' makers we should go and 'bake cakes'. And I'm thinking 'Don't diss the cakes - its a lot harder to produce a decent Victoria Sponge than you think.'

landmarks

2006-02-07T21:14:00.000Z

Last friday I was having dinner with Hendrix-Cat and as they have fancy schmancy computers and broadband they showed off Google maps. Most of the world had already been labeled eg where mr HC saw the road in LA undulate like a wave during the earthquake, the rehersal room with the severed finger.

Mr HC showed me Cape Town which I've never actually visited. So I directed him to my childhood home. A verdant village (all white south african hamlets are) by the Neilspruit river with the Irene Estates a large farm which it grew out of. We swooped down on it and I pointed out the Oval where cricket was played. Where I once cycled to without permission and when I returned to the house and the state my mother was in - it was another small chink in the awareness that something was really not all right. But as I looked at the map I became disturbed, I could not make out the shopping centre, I could not make sense of where the river was, I knew logically that a huge amount of building had gone one since we left in 1977 but it disturbed me. Was that the group of buildings which housed the armaments factory which the Van der Byles had sold the land for? Were those the farm bulidings we would vist with a bucket to collect our milk? Where was my primary school? And most importantly where was Pioneer Road which we lived on. It curved around. A dangerous curve which a drunk driver sped around and ploughed into the parked cars of my parents friends who were having dinner with my parents one night. I never heard it though our house was on two acres well set back from the road. The plots of land looked packed with rooftops. I'd also heard that many of the houses had subdivided their properties and sold off their gardens for develpments to make money. We've also got news that the entire village is now 'gated' and surrounded by a security fence.

But my eyes scrabbling across the screen evoked the fear in me that perhaps the internal landmarks of my life the things that I take to be true the things I hang my memories, my certanities, my personality and even my outlook on the work may not exist at all. I could of course stamp my foot and say 'But they were there that was my childhood and you can't tell me any different' but in the past year so many things I've bumped up against to realise they are false phatasims that I've nurtured in my life and I'm afraid these will turn out the same way.

2006-01-13T20:31:00.000Z

You cannot make other people happy. If who you are increases someone else's happiness, that is joy for you both. But it is impossible to accept the burden of someone else's happiness (or their unhappiness) without coming to resent it, and risking losing respect for the selfhood of that person.

Stephanie Dowrick 'Intimacy & Solitude

ok i'm aware

2005-10-25T21:53:00.000Z

that I dash in here say something and run out. But posting at 11pm is not a good time to try and catch up.

Apart from to say cryptically MY MOTHER IS NUTS!

I'm in a new job which is a bit of an adjustment.

so go here to see cute cute sleeping ferrets.

So I washed a few cups

2005-10-10T20:51:00.000Z

selected one with a crack. Went to my bedroom stepping over sleeping cat and closed the door behing me.

A threw it against the wall.

I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I WON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE

FUCCCCCCCK or in cyberspace nobody can hear you scream....

2005-10-10T20:21:00.000Z

I was doing quite well. Life uncertain jobless but I was managing to surf the crest of the unknown.

I went to therapy and throughly cheered myself up remembering all the wasted holidays I'd had as a child the few precious weeks with my family on another continent which consisted of my grandmother banging on about my size (which subsequent examination of photographs twenty years later proved that I was an entirely normal size for my age).

I then staggered home to an email from my bloody producer saying he'd applied for funds from an organisation where you can only apply as the filmmaker not the producer so he'd put himself down as co-director which is the FIRST FUCKING TIME I HEARD THAT HE WAS THE FUCKING CO-DIRECTOR. My natural reaction was to throw a corning ware saucepan across the kitchen. I was only stopped by the thought of the mess and the reaction of the kittens to domestic violence and resulting bill for feline psychiatry.

feel so sad

2005-09-21T12:10:00.000Z

I met a friend last week who is a few years older than me. She had some trouble with her eye when we met. Afterwards she went to the hospital and has been diagnosed with mallecular degeneration. I'm feeling my own mortality. I feel selfish because I ought to be thinking of her.

I feel guilty about this blog

2005-07-24T19:57:00.000Z

so much has happened in my life since I started it which I haven't written about. Long dark nights and days of the soul... excruciating lonliness from someone previously very proud of her ability to be solitary.

Now weird stuff happening. People appearing into my life and doing things saying things which make me feel paranoid. A closeness and connection to the London Bombings which is disturbing - through 2 degrees of separation I 'know' 2 victims. My best friend B was involved in evacuating a tube train carriage the day of the second bombings. I watched the news saw a plain clothes policewoman appeal for witnesses and realised I'd done a course with her 2/3 years ago.

weird weird weird

2005-07-23T10:40:00.000Z

attractive

2005-07-19T22:04:00.000Z

london train

the ruckus continues

2005-07-04T20:31:00.000Z

life is as quiet as a grave in Leith but just phoned my friend S who is watching a mini riot at the MacDonald's off Princes St. He says its seems to be more Neds v Polis than Polis V Anarchists. Anyway dogs baton charges I could all hear via mobile phone. S reports about 1000 locals/tourists watching the debacle.

oh and starbucks on Princes St had horseshite thrown over it.

Blogging as it happens.

The campaign against peasant skirts

2005-06-24T23:20:00.000Z

has been started by Glitterbomb

2005-06-19T20:14:00.000Z

words words words

2005-06-09T21:50:00.000Z

london train Feb 2005

2005-06-08T22:34:00.000Z

holga

The kittens are being shipped early!

2005-06-05T20:04:00.000Z

ETA is next weekend. I'm flinging throws over the sofa. Doing emergency washing...

I'm not ready for this.

I need Dr Spock for kittens

2005-06-03T12:11:00.000Z

Dear Ms Urban Hermit

This is to notify you that your order for
Item type quantity colour nationality
felines young x2 any Geordie
placed on the 020605 is now acknowledged within our system and will be processedshortly. To ensure quality control there will be a short delay before dispatchfrom our suppliers, however you will be notified when the items are ready to besent out. We thank you for your custom and look forward to hearing from you in the near future. Should you have any queries please do not hesitate to contact us at kit10s4u.com citing order number 2rAS-EZY-2k-EEP/AS1.

ok remind me again about the good points about this place

2005-05-26T22:34:00.000Z

Had a nice evening met a friend for stitch & bitch (we're down to 2 members!) Met a luminary of the Film Guild on Princes St. We got the bus she gave me a sneak preview of the films they are going to show in the autumn. Nice long chat before we parted. Went up my street could here a man singing.

Edinbraw is wonderful
Except for Hearts*, Jews and Pakis

Over and over again as I walked to my door.

Now about to go to bed and read my detective book (this is classic avoid reality behaviour) I awoke with a start at 5am - unable to go back to sleep and convinced I was the most alone person in the entire world. I hate that feeling. Its worn down over the day but its not gone entirely.

So bury myself in book and hope I sleep like a log...

* Heart of Midlothian a football team supported by Protestants so I presume the man was Catholic

I'm in a weird place

2005-05-25T19:50:00.000Z

not sure if I'm in the process of change or not.

Go here perfect blog knitting and cats.

2005-05-23T10:02:00.000Z

the mound lomo 2004

blog meet on friday

2005-05-22T14:07:00.000Z

Forgot to mention it I had dinner with Miss Hendrix-Cat. Shamlessly late because I wanted to hear about the shennigans of James the ner do well in the Archers. It was lovely seeing Miss HC the real HC (who would like you to all know that she is starved of whiskas singles and pointedly turned her back on us to make her point). F showed off the new computer and the photos taken in France, we had a great dinner, agreed that the world is getting worse, and I wove my way off to the bus stop at 11.30pm. We'd hoped a non blogging friend S would have joined us but he was cooking dinner - only the second time this has been known to pass in about the 10 years I've known him.

I have been having trouble readjusting to Edinburgh life after my trip to London. It feels very dull by comparison. I've been trying to make an effort to break out of my ruts.

2005-05-21T17:32:00.000Z

photo friday - green

2005-05-19T20:27:00.000Z

In which we come in half way through an email exchange between two bored workers in late capitalism.
………..worse than that I keep on worrying about fekking victim statements its ridiculous!
no way for a temp to behave....
However X away at docs appointment tomorrow morning so
Will use the time to Do It The Way I Think It Ought To Be Done

Hermit-urban you really need to get your priorities straight re the job. Have you got your stash of post it notes tucked away somewhere safe?What about checking the weather in marbella over the net? did you stare blankly at your fellow workers and then throw up your arms and burst into tears for no apparent reason? what about calling in sick with mysterious virus that somehow manages to clear up in time for you to go to pub in evening?If you haven't managed at least one of these things then you aren’t a proper temp and you should resign yourself to the fact that they'll probably offer you a permanant position there!!!
Doing it the way you think it ought to be done is also good but only if you manage to change the system to the extent that noone apart from you knows how you use it!

oh bugger forgot about the post it notes... I'm not very good at
this
am
I?
UH

7/10 must try harder...
your penance will be to find a use for all the bent paperclips
in the bottom of the intray

easy picklocks!

can you pick a lock?
I’'ve always wanted to know how to pick a lock

I've never tried... I just open my bedroom window and climb in.
Cat used the cat flap.

yes but for climbing into other peoples bedrooms, treasure chests
and other places that you don't have a key for...it would just be one of
those useful transferable sort of skills...

perhaps I could do an evening class?
do enjoy reading about it when reading detective novels.

there has to be a "how to" on the net somewhere!

should go and look on google....

oh well nearly at the end now and the place seems to be brightening
which is good
i've just nipped for a sneaky cig (its been that sort of a day) and its
getting glorious outside - promises to be a lovely evening

now I regret not bringing my cossie but could still nip to porty after
the library.

unless you have a deadline save the library for a rainy day (they'll be
loads) and get to the beach

its difficult isn't it but don't really have a deadline on the library esp
if S is othewise engaged. Also want to avoid lodger incase he irritates the
hell out of me...
beach it is but might nip to cafe first.

why not go to cafe on/near beach have fish and chips, watch clouds for an
hour or so have a slow walk to baths and swim and then large pimms in
garden when you get home? (not that i approve of hiding from lodger - put
firecrackers in his slippers!)
S is doing that research for Channel 4 so I think he's going to be busy for
a while. Do library on day its miserable outside - thats when libraries
come into their own.

this is the downside of portobello chipshops, chinese but no sit down cafes.
I have eaten in the pub on the promenade but it was rther taking ones life
into ones own hands... if I can hold out I can cook later BUT ONLY IF I MAKE
NO CRUMBS AND USE A TOOTHBRUSH TO CLEAN THE SINK AFTERWARDS....
i"ll calm down in a few days.... now just dragging my heels here...
oooh does look good out of the window
wot are you doing tonight? Apart from being miss hendrix cat's slave?
shame - and too cold to eat on beach at moment too.
Dont calm down - self righteous indignant anger is a joy and a blessing - have
you tried stomping around the flat too! great fun

nothing that exciting - clean living room, couple of loads of washing, bath and
hairwash, computery stuff - the usual edge of your seat lifestyle. I need to do
some more of those courses for work as well so might do a couple of hours and
def having an early night as knackered and also because the book grandma sent is
extremely good - highly recommend it - Mrs Garnets Angel.
Right thats me off
have a brill evening

2005-05-18T19:56:00.000Z

I'm a hopeless blogger. I think of profound things to say on the bus and then forget them.

S i g h. Wet wet wet here. May is turning out a strange month.

I was going to go swimming but getting wet twice over wasn't appealing. Went to cafe for dinner and came back via Scotmid. Was quite cheerful as the cat whisperer aka Hendrix-Cat's mother might have located a pregant cat in Newcastle and pregnant cat = kittens.

Found lodger in kitchen scrubbing sink. Apparently my dish cleaning methods are not up to much. This is worrying because since he's been here I've been very diligent on the washing up front. Nothing has grown penecilin in the past 8 weeks. Which means he has standards beyond mine. Next he'll divulge that he's a gay wee free start obsessively cleaning and it will turn into a long nightmare. Oh dear when/where/how will I get enough money to live alone? Mind you lodgers do cat sit.

2005-05-14T13:42:00.000Z

photo friday - space

slightly stunned

2005-05-14T13:31:00.000Z

its a gorgeous day here in Edinburgh. Miss Hendrix-cat is off to the country either Loch Lomond or North Berwick. I've been incredibly lazy listening to Jonathan Ross on Radio 2. Surfaced to try and find my mobile phone which has gone walk about. I should go to drop off stuff at the local charity shop, get a bus pass and go to library, weed in the garden - the blighters grew about a foot while away in London. Oh well. Will check out library opening times, thank god for google and plan a productive afternoon.

Dogs have masters, cats have staff

2005-05-12T21:48:00.000Z

How true - from The Show So Far

2005-05-12T17:29:00.000Z

photo friday - action

things are changing

2005-05-02T09:29:00.000Z

and have changed - I don't know what too but somethings I know I'm not going back to doing. One of them is social occasions I don't want to be at so you can wave at me cherrily and call me sweetie but if you think I'm going to waste some hours in your company think again. The answerphone goes back on.

its like this

2005-04-26T19:49:00.000Z

imagine I'm an alien from another planet - a planet without flowers and you hand me some cardboard and a pipe cleaner and expect me to imagine and then make a replica of something I've never experienced.

2005-04-24T21:45:00.000Z

miss h-cat welcome back... there are some compensations - blossom on the trees, the chav cat has returned from his wanderings, there is light in the evenings, HEAR THAT LIGHT IN THE EVENINGS!!!

2005-04-24T17:53:00.000Z

photo friday soft

i'm skiving by posting here

2005-04-24T12:46:00.000Z

really I should be reading a job description before applying for a job... back later

2005-04-23T14:06:00.000Z

my top searches are 'urban hermit' and 'judgemental' .... I'm carrying on hermiting and being judgemental.

2005-04-19T20:13:00.000Z

Glaswegian smoking hoover

I cleaned behind my cooker yesterday

2005-04-18T11:33:00.000Z

I deserve a medal for housework now

2005-04-16T22:17:00.000Z

ghost woman

2005-04-16T22:03:00.000Z

Went off to have adventures today. After all when you work 5 days a week the paltry two days off become rather precious. I mapped out a plan of activities. First stop St Columba's Doocot where I scored a bag of Kelly green wool and an armful of tapestry wool for £6. Then I went to the library and was absorbed in 52 Ways to Transform Your Life (mostly to be summed up in don't marry 3 men with unrealistic expectations and reinvent yourself as a life coach aged 50). Anyway was sitting on chair reading and F appeared into the library. Just the person I've been avoiding, the person who has turned me into a call screener, the person I have personally promised my therapist not to talk about even though she ominously suggested that perhaps we should 'explore my response to F'.

So the person who triggers all my buttons, poppers, zippers, and velcro sashayed through the library door. I held my breath, did not say anything, she walked over stood 3 foot away from me looking at the periodicals, Sugar is a completely fascinating item of modern culture is it not? I stood completely still, she turned and walked right past me towards romantic fiction. I got up, leaving 52 Ways to Transform Your Life beside the chair and walked out. Now I've obviously become a shape shifter, no doubt F probably thought I was a tramp or something keeping warm by sitting for free in the library.
I bolted up Leith Walk got a bus to Favorit and had a very late breakfast. I then walked up to Holy Corner to the Garden Centre. I was completely put out when it transpired it was shut, closed, out of business. I did a few charity shops in the area, devoid of wool, then walked to the funky yarn shop in Bruntsfield which I'd never been in.

Was looking intently at wool and checking the felting properties there of when a heard a loud and very distinctive voice at the other end of the shop. Barnsley Woman ! Fellow Stitch & Bitcher was stuck with her for a very long 2 hours last weekend. She noticed me and was about to bear down on me so I scarpered to the Meadows. The trees were covered in spring green and it was a lovely view to the city skyline but not one but two things going wrong in my planned treat day was really frustrating. I went and did the next best thing spend money I don't have on books.

2005-04-15T20:33:00.000Z

photo friday resting sheepdog Crown St Sydney

I've not managed to ease myself into a routine

2005-04-15T15:30:00.000Z

with this blog. Its a place I wanted to come to and say so many things I couldn't say elsewhere. I wanted to be honest. Honesty is tireing - but so is lying. And there are so many people I am lying to at the moment. I feel evasive and ferral, and put upon and frankly tired. I've got a long weekend (unexpected holiday on monday) but I'm so tired and sad I'm planning to spend this time quietly and on my own. I've got to sort myself out... I bought a pile of wool yesterday from John Lewis and sad to say its the most cheering thing in my life at the moment - that and the peach tulip which flowered on wednesday. A few leaf buds on my wild cherry. The rain is lashing down today and its gray and windy. I'll probably go home and batten down the hatches.

2005-04-13T21:38:00.000Z

photo friday plastic

he's been found!

2005-04-11T11:40:00.000Z

returned home and now under house arrest until a new home can be found somewhere deep in the country.

2005-04-05T20:34:00.000Z

the famous Ch@v Cat

I've got terrible news... on wednesday I dashed to the bus stop in the morning and was greeted by a photocopied Lost Notice for Ch@v cat. He's been missing since the 31st of March. In all fairness he's done this before disappeared then sauntered back after a few days to his real home. I hope he's just found a really cushy billet and will come back soon. I would miss him storming into the kitchen and being really narked that there wasn't any food out for him.

stamp stamp STAMP S T A M P

2005-04-03T12:04:00.000Z

Consider this a fully fledged tantrum one which started in my journal as I sat outside this morning and its being continued online.

Life has been grim even hellish. First of all last week I had to cancell ALL of my cards as my purse went missing, then it turned up, I now have a fine array of cards arriving without pin number and pin numbers arriving without card. Thanks BANK OF SCOTLAND, VISA and EGG. This has added considerably to my enjoyment of life. Yesterday I was planning a kitten hunting expidition. (I am so hacked off with the ENTIRE human race importing feline friends seemed the only way to go). I started looking out my large net, box, kitten tempting food. Then wait... the lodger who said he'd pay me the rent on sat couldn't be arsed to turn up. Kitten hunting expedition cancelled. Evening spent with dysfunctional family with little brother and wife. Back home signs lodger may have returned in my absence (the trip wire had been tripped) no rent. Wake up at 10pm shower listen to les Archeros - try not to wake lodger assuming came home last night. Go outside for tea and left over cake notice that the shutter on lodger bedroom is still open - the bastard did not return last night! Still not home probably WON'T come home today.

Cancell my evening appointment with friend. Have to do it via email as she has never given me her phone number. She probably won't get the message as she is unlikely to check her email today. BUT DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING I'M COMPLETELY FUCKED OFF WITH PEOPLE WHO JUST FUCKING ASSUME I'M ALWAYS GOING TO TURN UP I'M ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE, I'M ALWAYS NOT GOING TO FIND IT A PROBLEM.

GO TO HELL ALL OF YOU.

thank god the gloom has lifted

2005-04-02T10:08:00.001Z

i'm going to dry myself (dripping from shower) make pancakes and sit outside in the weak sunshine

thank god the gloom has lifted

2005-04-02T10:08:00.000Z

weather wise I'm going to sit out with pancakes and my journal once I've put some clothes on. I'm sitting here dripping out of the shower.

I am pissy and judgemental

2005-03-29T20:36:00.000Z

anyone on the internet who can type the words 'R U enuff' on a messageboard ought to be sort out by the grammar secret police division stood against the nearest blank wall nearest in hour to dawn and shot (or at least have their typing fingers removed). I'm dyslexic myself- but at least I make a bloody effort. While I'm at it the Cinema police should just creep down the backs of rows of seats and silently garotte anyone speaking during the main feature.

sunk to the level of

2005-03-28T22:55:00.000Z

watching the last half of Billy Elliot, obsessively kniting a buttonhole bag, interspersed with trying to upload more fekking pictures via hello/picassa - one lunch to meet friend on her way to london town and high flying life- feel useless and could do with another couple of days off the temping, padding around house occasinally chucking something into the charity shop bag/bin bag torturing myself with hello/picassa and watching pedestrian brit movies (enigma last night) massively torturing myself to find out online how my enemies are flourshing are about the level I can operate on right now - really don't have the resources to hit the temp world tomorrow. Yes I do feel appaulingly sorry for myself but then you have come to a blog called Urban Hermit not www.happywelladjusted.blogspot.com

cats & books the perfect combination

2005-03-27T11:49:00.000Z

from Woolamaloo Gazette.

2005-03-25T18:02:00.000Z

but where too?

I dedicate this post to Miss Hendrix-Cat

2005-03-25T16:59:00.000Z

at whose cattery I had a wonderful meal on Tuesday. With a wave of a paw she made Beef Olives from scratch. I met One Bad Way and F put the world to rights. The chocolate Almond cake warmed with Lucas Ice Cream went down a treat. Infact everything went quite swimmingly until S disappeared into the spare bedroom with F about 10.30pm reappearing about and hour and half later enquiring if Miss Hendrix-Cat would have a paper cup about her person to do a foley - this is for the epic film which is know commonly known as the triple f*. A paper cup was improvised from the innards of a toilet tube roll - Blue Peter eat your heart out. S disappeared with tube and reappeared 2 hours later. I pushed him and his bicycle into a taxi as he was far too tired to cycle. Collapsed into my bed at 2.30am forgetting that I had to get up for work the next day. My great aunt would say 'Work it really cuts into your day' I fervently agree especially when you have only had 5 hours sleep. Its sad but true after the age of 25 life is unsupporable on less than 7 hours sleep a night.

After losing my purse yesterday, rushing home from work, cancelling all my cards and then finding said purse I've decided I'm stressed out by full time work and trying to unwind my paws and restore my spirit.

*F**king Fife Film

Making the world a better place one cake at a time

2005-03-20T18:38:00.000Z

I've had an exhausting 2 days leading me to spend most of Sunday either on sofa listening to the Archers or with the shutters closed my head under a pile of blankets with a migrane avoiding phone calls and feeling lousy.

I'm going to see Miss Hendrix-Cat on Tuesday for dinner and have promised to make dinner - specifially Elizabeth Luard's chocolate cake which is wheat free.

Recipe

melt 8 oz of dark chocolate and 4 oz butter together

beat mix 8 oz of caster sugar and 8 eggs together ( I used 7 as I wanted to make a quiche as well and couldn't be bothered going to Scotmid)

mix in 8 oz of ground almonds

she says cool the choc/butter mixture before mixing into the egg/sugar/almond thing but I was too impatient.

I added a capful of vanilla essence

put into cake tin. Preheat oven to gas mark 6 bake for 25 mins.

I made a big cake for Tuesday and a small one for now.

I used fair trade chocolate and sugar, organic butter and eggs. If I'd used organic almonds I really would be making the world a better place.

I feel so much better having made something with quality ingredients.

Turkish Baths last night

2005-03-19T10:04:00.000Z

massages and chinese takeway. So why after such a healthy evening have I woken up with a sore throat and phlem???

Off to Leith Market if I can find it. The website is low on maps and directions.

a little of the back story or how I became an urban hermt because the alternative....

2005-03-17T20:46:00.000Z

You suggested I wrote to you when we last spoke on the phone which I thought was a bit odd at the time but I’m taking up the suggestion anyway.
In December I became very very depressed. One day when I was walking to work across the North Bridge I thought about how much I couldn’t face living to the new year and how wonderful it would be to slip over the wall to oblivion. At the same time certain symptoms (ME like) began to return.

After I became depressed I decided that my life had to change radically and I went and stayed with my parents for a few weeks over the Christmas & New Year break and a long time out from my habitual habits and life. The people I phoned, wrote emailed. I didn’t do the normal things I do at Christmas like my big christmas card mail out. I decided I would take the advice I’ve been handing out for many years. ‘To do something you don’t know how to do you have to stop doing the things you do know how to do’.

One of the things I decided was that it was not my job to take care of people. My job is to take care of myself first of all.

It is very hard to stop participating in a behaviour which I’ve done for 36 years. I stopped phoning people and writing to people which is a major part of my caring behaviour. Checking up encouraging them etc. I cut down on my socialising drastically and decided only to respond to requests to socialise if my entire spirit said ‘YES’ to the opportuntity. Unless it gives me pleasure I aim to not do it. I am divesting myself of the constriction of ‘duty’ and ‘should’ and ‘ought’. The few times I have broken this rule I almost immediately become physically ill. It’s quite dramatic. I was pressurised into meeting an acquaintance at the Botanic Gardens a few weeks ago (she’s got more baggage than an airport carrousel and denies it) and as I waited at the bus stop to meet her I developed nausea and a headache.

I feel our relationship has always relied on me supporting you than is healthy for me. I have just spent too many decades of my life doing this and really I’ve run out of ‘care’. Even when I spoke to you on the phone I was aware of how carefully I probed you and how I filled the space with advice and sympathy and did not talk about my own situation. I’m in the process of change I don’t know what to all I know is that I have to stop doing the things I have been doing as I said above in order to allow the space for something else to happen. This is not an easy space to be in and its very difficult dealing with people who expect me to be there as an unending stream of sympathy and care. I’ve slowly but determinedly turning off the taps. As the months go by I have to explain more and more to people why I’m doing it. Some are thrilled and happy for me others frankly don’t get it and would like me to be the way I was.

The thing I know is that we have to give ourselves the care and sympathy we crave from others or lavish on others.

I cannot do this for you.

I’m sorry I can’t be a full time regular friend to you.

ok this is going to be the post when my

2005-03-05T17:08:00.000Z

audience finally leaves.

Phone goes I answer it - its difficult not to as its beside the computer and a nice friend left a message on the answerphone and I think it is her phoning back.

No it is the difficult draining friend the one who I keep on telling myself is not draining but each time I speak to her or see her I want to lie down for about 8 hours. She goes on and on and I'm so good at this stuff I ask questions interject comments and then she starts interrogating me on my upcoming week. Oh my god

oh my god

oh my god

she wants to meet.

Now my past week included the hour long patronization session, a funeral of a 57 year old who I've known since 10 and worked with on feminist orgs, a week at a temp job dealing with the dregs of human society, my temp agency 'forgetting' to pay me and my bloody period.

I

do

not

want

to

meet

her.

So I interrupt her and say in haste ' I must go and make dinner' - the veg box is calling to me.....

What a lame excuse but then if you give an exciting one like 'oh my god the house is on fire' she will call to find out how the fire went later (dinner enquires are less likely) and more seriously Tell My Parents.

want to whine and rant

2005-03-02T21:11:00.000Z

tireing day - computer not working and phoning IT seemed to make it worse so I ended up with FEWER funtioning bits by the time I left for a meeting at 3.30pm. Meeting ghastly - there is nothing WORSE than being patronised by someone who has the money or THINKS he has the money - fuckker - I'm not going to come crawling to you.

I'm going to switch off the computer stop arguing about the wording on emails with my creative partner (When I'm tired and post-patronised I get pissy OK) I'm going to find the left over dinner and watch Desperate Housewives - its pap but all by brain can deal with. Computer CD driver fried so until fixed no more pictures. This was due to an uscheduled powercut last sat night.

Now reallly am off...

Tonight I met

2005-02-24T21:17:00.000Z

a cake eating cat... all black and solid and with a paw wandering towards slice on the counter top.

Virgoes

To be in maximum alignment with the cosmic trends, go to the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam and commune with the painting "Peach Tree in Blossom" while sipping peach blossom wine and thinking deep thoughts about the parts of you that are like peach blossoms. Here's another possibility: Travel to a place where actual peach blossoms are blooming and meditate on why the Chinese consider this flower the most auspicious of plants. If you can't manage either of those actions, Virgo, please at least find images of peach blossoms on the Internet and gaze at them as you muse fondly of the delicate young aspects of your life that most need your love and care.
from freewillastrology see below for picture of blossom (cherry).

This is how I feel - often

2005-02-24T18:05:00.000Z

Being Alone Sucks

2005-02-23T17:54:00.000Z

gum tree sydney

I'm trying to warm myself up. I was going to Portobello for a swim and massage and came home to a message from my massage therapist cancelling the appointment because she thinks she won't be able to make it into the city. I've got the central heating on, two jerseys and woolly tights and I'm freezing. I should run around the kitchen to warm up. The photo is a reminder of warmer times.

The snow fell as I waited for the bus this morning (it didn't turn up and I was 30 mins late). Everynow and again when I looked up from the computer I saw it was falling again. It isn't lying much in Edinburgh but still very cold and damp.

I've started a new temp job. I'm always wary of saying anything of where I'm working esp as temps have even less rights than The Woolamaloo Gazette. However there is a strange troll who likes German Band Music who lives in the basement of the organisation I'm working in so I was relieved today to be in department with windows and sitting processing things at a computer. I dashed to the bank and library this lunchtime the joys of being placed centrally and I'm sure will get used to the strangeness of being in workplace again.

I returned Murakami's Kafka on the Shore (overdue and requested) and got out a food memoir which I've forgotten the title of.

2005-02-22T21:50:00.000Z

so impressive they named a station after her

2005-02-21T21:50:00.000Z

'Youth' the picture I would have put in for photo friday if the technology had worked...

2005-02-21T21:37:00.000Z

'rural' photo friday

how is it that one agrees to do things one doesn't want to do

2005-02-20T12:36:00.000Z

even when you ought to know better?

NEVER AGAIN

I don't deal well with inconsistency

2005-02-18T14:37:00.000Z

I've been trying for 3 hours to upload a photo via hello for Photo Friday's theme 'rural'. I wish the dammned technology would work as I get so frustrated that ANY desire to write or wax lyrical is removed by rechecking and resending the dammned picture. It is a picture dense with pink blossom taken with the lomo. You will just have to use your imagination.

snow!

2005-02-13T10:13:00.000Z

There is something wrong... signs of spring around the Urban Hermitry, crocuses flowering, polyanthuses floweing, daffodil spikes but when I woke up this morning stumbled towards the shutteres thinking it was quite light and opened them it was snowing. It doesn't seem to be lying but I've put on the heating got a pot of coffee going.The Archers are burbling in the background. I've been invited out for lunch so not too much dawdling today.

2005-02-12T12:13:00.000Z

Brecky Lomo Sydney 2004

2005-02-11T19:59:00.000Z

Photo Friday Luscious Orange

still frustrated by hello

2005-02-02T20:44:00.000Z

I tired again last night to upload pictures and failed again...

This is enormously frustrating.

Meanwhile .. I've been walking up and down groins ( wooden fences built to keep sand on beaches) inspecting rocks, gazing at seagulls, looking at the sea scape and sky scapes. All of which I regularly do at Portobello but this time I had to do it for a documentary taster. One of the reasons why I've bene absent from this blog. A lot of dashing about trying to get equipment, equipment going wrong, however it seems back on track. I'm off to London for a few days tomorrow. Will edit on my return.

Knackered from walking up and down the beach its much harder than walking on hard surfaces. We tired to unfreeze over a chinese meal but I'm still cold. Washing clothes for trip south. Must take out of washing machine.

technology is driving me crazy

2005-01-28T17:51:00.000Z

I've spent 3 hours trying to upload pictures off and on... sheesh off to supermarket.

2005-01-23T15:46:00.000Z

Its gray and very cold and I've got an ear infection so I lay on my sofa this morning trying to put ear drops in (not as easy as it sounds) a blanket over me and Radio 4 on. Unfortuantly this week's Desert Island guest was Johnathan Miller. JM spent most of the 45 mins moaning how awful people were to him in his 70 years on earth. And any one who didn't appreciate JM was 'vulgar'. You would have thought that he'd spent the majority of his life tied down in basement eating wormeaten left over wormy potatoes instead of ...

'Jonathan Miller has been an influential and prolific force in British intellectual life since the 1960s. A writer, theatre and opera director and explainer of science to the public, he's had not one career, but several, and is seemingly capable of endlessly reinventing himself - as a scientist, a director, a television presenter, a writer, a film-maker and, more recently, a sculptor. Whilst still a medical student he received an invitation which changed the course of his life and career - to take part in a sketch show called Beyond the Fringe which was to go to the Edinburgh Festival. Jonathan was never to return to science full-time, as invitations to direct began to come in. He went on to become a leading theatre and opera director, celebrated for productions which included Tosca set in Mussolini's Italy and a mobster Rigoletto.This career alone would be regarded by many as more than sufficient, but Jonathan Miller combined it with making films and presenting television programmes. ' From the Radio 4 website.

Life has obviously given Jonathan a lot including the desire to make concrete scuptures but I'm afraid he had to moan about lacking the space for that too.

For F**K's sake yes you might have wanted even more of life but it might do you a bit of good to sit down and appreciate all that you did get.

~~
So here I am ear infection, headache, life doing its crazy course between rocks but I've had great experiences, created amazing things, met wonderful people, I have cool friends, I've got asprin in the kitchen, central heating, an unread novel from the library and even the ingredients to make apricot toffee pudding if I have the energy later. I also know I'll never be asked as a guest on Desert Island Disks with that twit Sue Lawley - another reason to celebrate if I didn't feel so billious.

2005-01-20T17:08:00.000Z

Manley Beach Lomo 2004
Lomo Sydney 2004

I wish I could find my hotwater bottle

2005-01-17T21:09:00.000Z

its started to snow in Leith. Explains why I've been feeling so cold all day. Late dinner and then off to bed to read another detective novel from the library.

2005-01-17T20:38:00.000Z

Kind of sums up my life at the moment.
Lomo Sydney 2004

2005-01-16T20:54:00.000Z

Big Questions No Answers on learning to use 'Hello'

Unravelled

2005-01-16T18:17:00.000Z

disconnected, trying to pull things together. Sigh... should stop and just give into TV/ radio vegging out. Instead tried to use Hello to upload photos to blogger but Hello doesn't seem to be working. Its dark now and as soon as its dark my desire to do anything pluments. I went out and posted some postcards about 4.30ish just as it was getting dark. Perishing cold. The first time out today. A 'friend' came for coffee and I made all the usual small talk, intense listening that I aways do. Perhaps this is why Ifeel so unravelled. I'm aware that I was putting on a good 'performance' for the role of friend rather than it being natural. I made banana/apple loaf and listened to the Archers.

What now? I should do the washing up left over from last night. I had a lovely evening Hendrix-Cat and Mr Hendrix-Cat came for dinner with S after rescheduling it from last week. It was very quiet but lovely to catch up and chat. I was able to pass on the real Hendricks Cat's christmas present (a cat blanket). Spicy Chicken cassoulet followed by chocolate pots was the menu.

Lots of left overs which I like - means less cooking.

Lots of people I know seem to be questioning at the begininng of the year perhaps it is natural. So I too question 'why blog'? Not sure if I've come up with an answer yet - I wondered if posting my pictures would have led me to another phase of blogging... however looks like it will be a while before I crack the vagaries of Hello.

2005-01-13T12:10:00.000Z

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it...because what the world needs is people who have come alive" by Howard Thurman

Cooking properly

2005-01-11T22:11:00.000Z

I had to meet someone about a project so went into town for 1pm. Good to have to get things done beforehand. Made me less tardy in the morning than I might have been.

Meeting eyeopening - we'd worked in an organization together 5 months before he told me several alarming things about what was going on while I was working there all of which entirely passed by me. I sometimes wonder when it comes to human interaction that I'm particularly dense. It also reminded me why I like temping as it means that you are less likely to get sucked into the politics of organisations.

However not all skanky office politics it turns out that a friend of this person has just been appointed the Lomo Ambassador for Scotland at which point I demanded to know why there wasn't one for the Independent Republic of Leith and put myself forward as candidate. I can put large piles of dodgy foreign chocolates on plates for social occasions if called for! Besides I need a job. My embassy will be small but cat friendly.

I came back from the meeting via St Johns Churchyard - cheered that the first snowdrops are flowering. I thought I might have to go and help out stuffing envelopes for the Urban Hermit's mother but the printer failed to produce the insert so I decided to cook properly. Kedgeree made with brown rice and mackerel followed by an apricot custard tart. I got the raisins for the kedgeree from a packet of mixed fruit and nut I got for christmas and I whizzed up the nuts to put into the short crust pastry and sprinkle on top. My phone went before I tried it out. It was my friend S from London as opposed to the friend S who despite being beaten up still hasn't gone to hospital to be checked out (men!). It was lovely to speak to her - my normal avenues of company have been removed since I decided to shake up my friendships. Now I have to deal with the consequences. Myself unadulterated.... no lodger currently and no cat though the Chavcat came visiting yesterday as I was going to the bank so I left him to it in the house and let him out on my return.

Library Heaven

2005-01-10T22:26:00.000Z

When I was young and lived in apartheid South Africa there were only two places my mother would let me go alone. One was to the next street to visit my best friend Carol and the other was to the library. I would usually cycle down and take out Enid Blyton. I was a big Blyton fan and as I'm dyslexic and came to reading with difficulty I have a soft spot for her as without her seemingly exciting plots I never would have perservered with decyphering the symbols.

After coming to Scotland my passion for reading expanded expotentially. It was wet, I'm completely disinterested in healthy outdoor pursuits (because I'm SANE) and burying myself in a book was a excellent way to leave the misery of exile and outsiderdom.

I read so much that I ran out of books in the Blackhall Library junior section and had to get and adult ticket when I was 10. I then read a huge amount about the history of 19th Centuary Britain and Death in Venice because had been put into the teenage section by accident.

I last took out books in early 2004. I have a terrible habit of taking them out and not returning them and running up monsterous fines so I start buying them again on the grounds that it must be cheaper.

Anyway I'm delighted with my haul this evening which I realise would have cost me £60 to buy.

The River Cottage Year by Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall. Yummy photos and food. Though I should keep it out for a year so I can try the seasonally arranged recipies

A detective book by Donna Leon - I have a weakness for detective books. Something about disarraying the world and putting it to rights? Set in Venice I read one over the holidays - I could almost smell the canal.

A History of the Port of Leith - the place rather than the pub Peter goes to. I've lived here 5 years and my sense of history is rather sketchy.

The Gay Metropolis a history of New York which is fascinating and I've already read. Now you understand how I read my way through Blackhall Library Junior section. I devour books.

I now devour words online and I'm sometimes struck by a snobbism that 'reading books would be better'. I'm not sure. Both are escapes. So I lounged on the bed, read, failed to cook 'properly' and only roused myself when the phone rang.

Virgoes week

2005-01-10T12:52:00.000Z

Who do you want to help? Who do you want to protect? Are you sure that, in trying so hard, you are not creating a hindrance? Some people need to learn their lessons the hard way. Some people will only grow and develop into wise human beings if they encounter the full consequences of their own actions - and reach their own fully personal decision to make amends. It's one thing to assist someone who truly wants support and is asking for support in the right way. It's quite another to be everyone else's mother. Watch where you draw the line, this week.

Jonathan Cainer

Dinner party cancelled

2005-01-08T17:19:00.000Z

One guest Hendrix-cat sequestered to cat basket with cramps the other S beaten up yesterday evening walking back from the gym who had an encounter with a none too helpful policeman.

So I have the bliss of an empty evening ahead. Sark calls this the Joy of Cancelled Plans. I'm making bagels and soup. My friend A came around with boyfriend and removed 8 boxes of books that were living under my stairs (holding parties and generally carring on) after a year it was time they found a new billet...

Radio 4 burbling away.

Bagel recipe (from Claudia Roden's Complete Book of Jewish Cookery)

500g strong white flour (cake flour works but they do lie down in a flat sort of way)
1 tablespoon oil
1 tablespoon sugar
pinch of salt
1 small packet of dried yeast
1 egg ( or add more water)

mix

then add 250 g of lukewarm water. Test it with your finger or if too hot will kill yeast.

Mix in

Kneed for 6-10 mins until a smooth elastic lump.

Put oil on the lump

Put tea towl over bowl and leave to rise

Once doubled in size kneed for another 5 mins or so - shape into bagels and leave to rise again on trays with tea towels on them.

Once risen get a pot of boiling water. Drop in each bagel for a minute or so turningover. Dry on tea towels. Put in moderate oven for 15 mins. If feeling extravagant sprinkle sesame seeds on top before going into oven. There is nothing more yummy than bagel straight out of oven with butter melting into it.

2005-01-07T14:02:00.000Z

Its very hard to change course - stop presenting yourself in one way and reveal another.

No I don't want to arrange social engangements two weeks in advance.
No I don't want to see you now.
No No No No

Attempts at honest conversations... this is where I am ... this is where I think we are... this is where I think we were.

Vague attempts at comprehension but in totality a rejection of what one is saying.

'We have to stop doing the things we know how to do in order to start doing the things we don't know how to do.' But nobody explains how to be between those two statements....

The bloody minded revolution

2005-01-05T22:07:00.000Z

will be aided by this via London Underground Tube Blog.

New Year Resolutions

2005-01-05T21:46:00.000Z

1. Get lemonade - finish Pimms
2. Become Bloody Minded and selfish
3. Find make up.
4. Stop looking after people (its time they did it themselves)* (see 2)
5. Go to London in Feb.
6. Cut off contact with anyone whose voice makes my heart sink when I'm on the phone or I feel 'duty bound' to call.
7. Work out how to live unencumberd by friends who seem more like the client list of a social worker/support worker for carers organisation.
8. Paint kitchen - something cheerful.
9. Take my photography more seriously - process films put online.
10. Go to a concert.
11. Work out some way to make a living.
12. Once done that work out way to keep some money for myself.
13. Buy new shoes.
14. Get haircut
15. Get over being so sad and bloody miserable.
16. Go to the cinema more.
17. Spend more time walking in Leith

more to come

* and in any case what are we saving them for exactly?

Hack Yourself

2005-01-05T21:28:00.000Z

“I don't have time to write.” “I can't dance.” “I can't talk to new people.” “I'm not attractive.”
I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes around themselves.
To which I say, make the time; dance; just talk to people; be attractive!
Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic of you to so easily say what you cannot do!
We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind does — it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves, at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines between the points — we assume that just because we've done things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.
Screw that.
Surprise yourself. No — amaze yourself.
You don't have to keep doing the things you hate.

excepted from Bloodletters via Moleskeine

definitions

2005-01-05T21:09:00.000Z

ur·ban ( P ) (ûrbn)adj.
Of, relating to, or located in a city.
Characteristic of the city or city life.
[Latin urbnus, from urbs, urb-, city.]

her·mit ( P ) (hûrmt)n.
A person who has withdrawn from society and lives a solitary existence; a recluse.
A spiced cookie made with molasses, raisins, and nuts.
[Middle English heremite, from Old French, from Medieval Latin hermta, from Late Latin ermta, from Greek ermts, from ermi, desert, from ermos, solitary.]